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The Mad Bastard Scooter Rally 2017

The word Mad can be defined as two things: Pissed-Off Ragey-Angry or Batsh**t Crazy.

So what does it take to be a Real Mad Bastard?

Attitude. With an explosion of the latter definition. Add a zany costume, and an even nuttier bike and it doesn’t get as real as this.

As a veteran of The Mad Bastard Scooter Rally, I’ve ridden the go-round four times and it’s always different type of fun. Different roads, different bikes, different costumes, the one constant being a huge dose of Capital B Bonkers.

Gonzo. Toys in the attic. Bats in the belfry. A few sandwiches short of a full picnic.

It's MissRider!

It’s what it takes to ride little two-wheeled machines 600+ kilometres within 24 hours, stopping for mad clues in an insane loop that traverses all kinds of roads.

Scooters of all shapes and sizes are welcome, as well as mopeds and small shifty motorcycles under 110cc. The bikes are divvied up according to displacement and are given a time allotment in which to finish:

  • Straitjacket Class (24 hours) – All scooters and mopeds up to 50cc in capacity
  • Heavily Medicated (20 hours) – All scooters greater than 50cc but no greater than 110cc
  • Therapy Required (18 hours) – Scooters greater than 110cc but no greater than 200cc
  • Day Release (16 hours) – Scooters greater than 200cc

Once Upon A Time, Harley Made Scoots

It’s a rally that definitely favours the hardiest of the Iron Butts – riders in the 50cc class, with Mad Points awarded for just showing up. This year, I was there just to take pictures, which was good, since the cards were definitely stacked against my 500cc Yamaha Tmax, no matter how fast it went.

Hosted by KYMCO Canada, the rally raised over $10,000 for Big Brothers Big Sisters London, through the fundraising efforts of the riders. Sponsors Yamaha Canada, Studio Cycle Group and Ontario Tourism were also in on the fun, with Sparkplug Coffee and Railway City Brewery keeping riders liquified during and after the rally.

Heroes and Villains In Wallaceburg

A stormy Friday morning gave way to overcast skies and I arrived at Mad Bastard HQ – The Four Points in London, Ontario – to a tailgate party that gave ample time for participants to check out the competition’s bikes, decorate their own, and test-ride a few of this year’s Yamaha scoots. Like clockwork, characters started crawling out of the woodwork in full regalia. Truly-out-of-the-ordinary, these weren’t just your run-of the mill riders.

Old Cranky Bastards

Me and my fellow crazies were then fed, and the route revealed in the mandatory rider’s meeting. One last gas-up and it was time for bed.

Dinner In Full Regalia

Daybreak came too soon on Saturday morning as the Bastards set out from London to start their loop. Though the previous day was stormy and grey, the morning skies were a perfect hue of blue, making for a more comfortable ride.

Hardly-Dangerous

I rode the first half of the rally with fellow media rider Dan Lim, a hardcore Harley Man. It was his first time on a scooter, but after the initial disorientation of having a rear brake where the clutch lever should be, he sported a big grin all of the way!

Dan The Man On His Big Scoot
North to the shores of Lake Huron at Ipperwash, we caught up with The Codfathers at the beach, releasing Nemo back into the wild.

Releasing Nemo

Then it was west, skirting Sarnia, to the St. Clair River, then a leisurely ride with Jessie and his co-pilot Misha the Mini Schnauzer, following the twists of the old Tecumseh Trail to Tilbury, the halfway-point.

Jessie and Misha

Lunch there proved to be memorable, as Brokentooth had taken to the seas and arrived in style, his Kymco strapped onto a pontoon raft, powered by an outboard motor. Who was I to refuse a ride down the Thames when he offered?

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3 comments

  1. Wow great madness certificate, The KYMCO Scooter is good for rally.

  2. Sounds like so much fun–powered by oodles of perserverance and copious amounts of commitment. Ways to go ya Bastards!!

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