They say half a foot of snow is falling today, and they aren’t talking about the stuff you smoke, snort, or shoot. Mother nature’s own genuine white wet fluff snow. On Saturdays like these there’s not much you want to do, besides stay in and put on Netflix. So that’s what I did.
A movie came up staring Dany Trejo and some Metal Mulisha dudes. It was called Bro’. Bro’ according to Netflix:
When a college student is befriended by his girlfriend’s hard-partying brother, he becomes addicted to the risky life of a freestyle motocross rider.
Check out the theatrical trailer and my review of the film.
Just when you thought motorcycle riding was dangerous enough, they invented motorcycle stunt riding, and just when you thought that was dangerous enough, they added guns, drugs, and nubile women who smile at the thought of men snorting cocaine off of their naked backs. It all sounded like the recipe for a perfect movie, but…
First off there are a couple things about the Bro’ movie we need to clear up.
1) I’m going to go ahead and admit that I don’t know much about the freestyle motocross world. Something tells me that Monster energy drink, Fox, FMF, and the rest of the brands aren’t going around giving out sponsorships to a bunch of drug dealers.
Moreover, I know myself. I wouldn’t do well in prison. I’m a skinny guy. If I were a drug dealer, and Monster was giving me sponsorship money, my inclination would be to quickly give up the trade that was most likely get me butt-bumped in the big house. Wouldn’t you?
2) Dany Trejo stars front row center on the box cover image of this film. Well, I’ll let the cat out of the bag on this one. THE COVER IS A SHAM! Trejo barely has 10 minutes of facetime in this flick. You’ll get more kicks out of Dany Trejo by looking up his memes on the internet. Like this one.
3) This really isn’t a motorcycling movie. It’s really not a motocross movie either. The opening scenes of motocross jumps and two wheeled shenanigans are as good as it gets. If that’s all you played the movie for, watch the first few minutes, and then go watch something else.
4) The supposed virgin in the film is actually the most attractive woman in the film. We’re not saying she looks like a hooker. Quite the contrary. In the Bro’-world of half-naked women who will willingly show you a good time because their “buddy” asked them to, the virgin is the most proper and the most likable female character… and did we already mention she’s the hottest?
Sidebar: How come YouMotorcycle never gets invited to parties like this? I think it’s time to we start covering motocross on the site and making more friends. On second thought, probably not, as one of the young women turns out to be 17. Yikes!
That sums up the Bro’ movie story as much as I want to without ruining it for you. Bro’ isn’t a bad movie, it just isn’t a great movie. It’s the story of a young man and his venture through this Bro’-world of drugs laced with motorcycles, chicks, random acts of violence and men with pitiful vocabularies. Bro’ is a story about stupid decisions and how they all work out, or how they don’t. Look out for the semi-ambiguous final shot.
Maybe Bro’ was meant to be a “scare-you-straight” movie for the young and impressionable. Maybe it wasn’t mean to be that at all and I’m just clutching at straws for something nice to say. Watch Bro’ for $3.99 or buy it or $7.75 … or just watch Girl Meets Bike instead.