Sometimes on the road of life you see things that you could never imagine happening right in front of you. You see things that would only happen in a bad comedy flick. A lot of that kind of stuff happens while in bars.
I wanted to share this story with my little cousin Samantha who will be celebrating her sweet sixteen birthday in a couple weeks. Before I know it, she’ll be out leading her own life full of stupidity. So here it is: the story of the guy who punched out of his turban at the bar Friday night.
According to the 2006 Canadian Census, more than half of the people in Toronto are foreign-born, making Toronto a more ethnically diverse city than Miami, Los Angeles, or New York City. We’ve got all colors, faiths, sizes, and shapes.
This is the story of two individuals who made bad decisions, and does not reflect on any other group of people. I’m a firm believer that stupid comes in all colors and faiths equally.
It all started with one wise guy who thought he would reach over the bar and help himself to the beer tap. In theory this is a great idea. It saves everyone time, gives the bartenders a chance to catch their breath, and as long as you leave the money behind and tip well, there’s no harm and no foul. The reality is that I’ve yet to find a bar that’s A-OK with this practice. In fact, if you don’t know for a fact helping yourself to the beer tap is gravy-baby at the bar you’re in you probably shouldn’t try it while security is standing right next to you. While it was a great idea and I’m sure buddy had only everyone’s best interests in mind, his briliant move wasn’t appreciated and he found himself being removed from the bar promptly.
Upon seeing his friend being kicked out, simply for pouring himself a beer from the tap rather than waiting for a bartender to serve him, one man had his eureka moment. He decided that this was it. This was his calling. His friend was being removed. Now was the time. Tonight he was going to be… a superhero!
To my little cousin, Samantha, boys are stupid. They get really dumb ideas. Never, ever, listen to them.
Our hero goes after his buddy being escorted out of the bar. When he catches up to his friend and security at the front door, can you hear it? Can you hear the sound of triumphant horns playing? He did. Rocky soundtrack playing in his mind, he turned around, reached back, and punched the security guard right in the face. “That’ll show him for kicking out my friend!” he must have thought.
Sam, security guys are pretty tough, don’t hit them unless you need to. Also, any time you’re going to go through with hitting someone, think ahead and have a follow-through on that plan, ok?
Our hero, turban still wrapped up tightly at this point, and cape blowing in the wind (invisibly / imaginarily, because he didn’t actually wear a cape to the bar, duh), wasn’t the brightest. He didn’t have anything in mind following the punch on the security guard. He stood there awkwardly. “So, uh…”
I should mention, the security guard was very athletic and he was from a country known for rough, violent streets. After being punched in the face he began casually unhooking his bracelet.
That brings up another good point, Sam, if you’re ever going to fight someone, get a friend to hold your jewellery. Ear rings, necklaces, etc. There’s no sense losing it, ruining it, or having it be used to hurt you.
At this point our hero looked security straight in the eyes, and turned around and ran for his life.
Sam, you can drink, you can run, but if you do a lot of either you can’t do much of the other.
He didn’t make it far. It wasn’t long before the punch was returned, right to our heroes chin. A witness described the hit: “All you saw was the turban blast off his head like a rocket ship, and hair flying through the air. Man was knocked out cold before he hit the floor.” His friends spent the next few minutes pouring waterbottles on our hero, trying to revive him.
Sam, when you knock someone out like that, you need to roll them on their side. People have died from choking on their tongue or their wallet when they’ve been passed out. You don’t want a manslaughter charge, so roll them over on to their side, and then steal their wallet.
Remember, stupid comes in all cultures and faiths, but that doesn’t make being it OK to be stupid. Stay awesome. I think you’re great. Happy almost sweet sixteen kid!